Waiting for Death & letting Go..........

Have you ever sat at the bedside of a loved one who was dying? I have; several times. I asked myself on all those occasions that if I was the one in that bed , who'd be sitting by my side keeping virgil ? Will there be someone there holding my hand or stroking my brow telling me everything is alright or will I be all alone and wondering where I am and why no one is doing anything about my pain and lonliness. That thought scares me. When Bill was first diagnosed with cancer he told me that his biggest fear was dying alone. I gave him my assurance that I would be there holding him when he passed on the the other side. I kept that promise and he died in my arms. I have told everyone that I would not want to lie in bed hooked up to any machine that was keeping me alive. No life support for me. which also means no resuscitation if I should get a heart attack. I believe in euthanasia. I think one should not be allowed to suffer in the last days or hours of one's life. Its so much more dignified to go out on a morphine high or even in a deep deep sleep with sleeping pills. I always jokingly tell my friends to leave the bottle of sleeping pills next to me and tell me that they're M&Ms. As I sit here and watch the nurses clean my mother I wonder about the indiginity of having someone clean up after you. How terrible it must feel when you;re told "just go in your diapers and we'll clean you up afterthat!" Bill resisted letting me clean him until I told him I really did not mind it at all afterall I had cleaned both my God children when they were babies. It must be so hard to let go of control of your most personal functions. I only hope I have someone I know and trust to let it go to when the time comes.